Valentine's Day is coming up in 3 weeks! Well, normally I wouldn't get so excited about it considering the slight problem that I don't have a boyfriend and I believe Valentine's Day is an overcommercialized celebration just so the florists can sell you flowers that are going to die anyway (The romance in having to throw wilting roses in the trash is quite lost on me). But after many millennia of being single, many a patheticly failed attempt to snag a guy who just might be able to put up with my nonsense, and in the meantime observing the ups and downs of couples I know, I've recently had an epiphany.
The epiphany is this:
Finding a good bf or gf involves effort. Once you find a potential interesting partner, you have make the effort to find out what he or she likes, and if necessary, behave in such a way that said person will be interested in you and be willing to get in a relationship with you. And once you are in a relationship, maintaining a good relationship and making it succeed is tough work. If you don't make enough effort, the other person may eventually get sick of you, dump you and try to find someone better. In the meantime, you are left looking for another steady partner you hope you will enjoy being with for a long long time.
In other words, being in a relationship is like being in a job. With a simple replacement of a few key words from above, you will see what I mean.
Finding a good job involves effort. Once you find a potential interesting company, you have make the effort to find out what the job requirements are, and if necessary, behave in such a way that the recruiter will be interested in you and be willing to hire you. And once you are in the company, maintaining a good status in the company and succeeding in your career is tough work. If you don't make enough effort, the company boss may eventually get sick of you, fire you and try to find someone better. In the meantime, you are left looking for another steady job you hope you will enjoy doing for a long long time.
So since I've become a bit bored of the conventional methods of trying to snag a guy, during which time my requirements for a man have actually become higher, and yet my older female friends still nudge me every now and then asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend, I decided to try a more creative approach.
Guys, you now have to apply to become my boyfriend. Details of job application are as below:
Job Vacancy: Boyfriend (1 Position)
Job Description:
A challenging and (hopefully) rewarding position in which the successful candidate is required to take on multiple roles including, but not limited to, the following:
1) CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer) - To conduct regular conversations with Carol (preferably the kind which are either amusing and intellectually stimulating), accompany Carol for meals, movies, events and other miscellaneous occasions, and provide other forms of entertainment for Carol which may range from challenging each other to getting high scores on Angry Birds to tandem diving off a plane in Brisbane (you should know how to work a parachute, of course)
2) CAO (Chief Affectionate Officer) - To be available for cuddles and smooches on a regular basis, able to provide verbal consolation when Carol is angry and bitching about whatever. Willingness to be named after types of food i.e. honey bun (but if you work out a lot, you have the option of being nicknamed Carol hunky piece of man-meat)
3) CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - To give Carol money in time of urgent need, such as for necessary procurement of that cute pair of shoes. Credit cards also acceptable. Preferably to complete Carol's annual tax return forms (including all tax deductibles). Ability to decipher the meaning of Carol's annual banking/insurance statements is an added advantage coz' those things are a bitch.
Job Requirements:
- Ideally a Christian. Fresh converts may apply. Exceptions may be given for applicants with lots of money and smokin’ good looks
- Ability to converse, write and have meaningful conversations in English which do not revolve solely around cars, iPhones or football
- Healthy, wacky, occasionally weird, but not too perverted sense of humour
- Must not be stupid, boring or annoying
- Appreciation of loud rock music and animals (such as dogs, turtles and gerbils)
Benefits:
- Successful candidates shall immediately assume the position of partner, with opportunities of being promoted to husband within 3 to 5 years (depending on the size of the engagement ring)
- Financially rewarding as Carol actually does not like shopping that much (and all the guys go WOO HOOO!!!)
- Healthy, wacky, occasionally weird, but not too perverted sense of humour
- Must not be stupid, boring or annoying
- Appreciation of loud rock music and animals (such as dogs, turtles and gerbils)
Benefits:
- Successful candidates shall immediately assume the position of partner, with opportunities of being promoted to husband within 3 to 5 years (depending on the size of the engagement ring)
- Financially rewarding as Carol actually does not like shopping that much (and all the guys go WOO HOOO!!!)
- Carol does not experience monthly PMS or cramps (so the only time you should avoid her is when YOU piss her off)
Closing date for applications: 7 February 2011
Shortlisted candidates shall be notified by email, with a follow-up interview by Carol. The successful candidate gets to take Carol on a date on 14 February 2011 to place of his choice. And it better be good!! ^_^
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